


It's a Little Creepy But You've Been My Muse For Months Now

by bemorejake



Category: Stray Kids (Band), The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Kevin's POV, M/M, Moonbae, Slow Burn, bass boosted, minor stray boyz, tags will be added as it goes on, they goin to art school, very slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-08-29 02:27:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16735308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bemorejake/pseuds/bemorejake
Summary: Kevin is stressed art student and Jacob is an overwhelmed music student. Some how they give each other inspiration with just passing glances.





	1. I Want To Fight Chanhee Behind a 7/11

Okay so, I'm not the best person to listen to about this, but don't go to art school. I am this close to dropping out. I'm out here, trying to make my dreams come true but I'm just TIRED and BROKE. Right now I'm sitting in a Starbucks writing a paper on why I think drawing in black and white is better than in color. What even is the fuckin point of this?? I’m going to lose my MIND. Coffee is the only good thing in this world. It is warm and brings me comfort. Who needs a boyfriend when you have coffee? I’m so lonely and tired. 

I got so stuck in my own thoughts, I didn’t even notice Hyunjoon plop down next to me. His head is just on the table. I take my headphones off and look at him. Before I can say anything, Jaehyun walks over with another coffee for me, and an iced coffee for Hyunjoon. He sits down next to Hyunjoon and starts to pet his hair softly. Hyunjoon raised his head only to drink his coffee. Hyunjoon looks like shit, holy fuck. There are bags under his eyes and he looks like he hasn’t slept in days. 

“Kevin.. Do you have your colored pencils.” His voice is super hoarse. He really hasn’t slept. I just want to tuck him in and kiss his forehead so he sleeps soundly. 

“Yeah… Uh lemme look.” Where the FUCK are my colored pencils?? Oh there we go.

“Here.” Hyunjoon pulls out his sketchbook and opens it to a half finished page.

“My professor gave us two fucking days to design an outfit that we would actually wear. I passed out trying to do this last night. Plus my red colored pencil snapped, so I have to get new ones.” From what I can see, the design is already cute, it’s just not fully colored.

“If she turns it around and we have to sew this entire outfit ourselves for our final, I’m going to kill myself.” I can see why his pencil snapped before, he’s very aggressively coloring. I’m glad Jaehyun went to grab his hand before he broke mine.

“Joon, calm down, color slower. Drink your coffee.” Hyunjoon just nods and eases on the coloring. If he broke my pencil I would’ve had a mental break down in this Starbucks. My mom got me those…

“I’m just exhausted. Sorry.” Jaehyun just pats his head again. I save my paper, I wasn’t going anywhere with it anyways, and put my laptop back in my bag.

“Let me help you, tell me where to color.” He points to certain areas and tells me what colors to use and I obey. He’s helped me out with this before, might as well return the favor. Jaehyun had to leave for class soon after, he kisses our cheeks before he leaves, as always. When we finish coloring I walk Hyunjoon to his class. He says there’s a really cute boy in it and he’s afraid to see him alone. Today I don’t have any morning classes so I think I’m just gonna chill and draw for a while. There’s an on campus garden that’s super calming and I love drawing there. Sometimes when I’m there, there’s a brown haired boy with a guitar. Not to be dramatic but I’m like, 1000% sure I’m in love with him. His voice is like honey and he definitely composes his own songs and they are GORGEOUS. If I could keysmash out-loud that would accurately depict how I feel about him.

I’m at my usual spot and he’s not here today. I am deeply saddened. So what I don’t know anything about him, not even his name, but I know he is my soulmate. Is it creepy that I secretly draw him all the time. Like, half of my sketchbook pages are him. Oh fuck he’s coming oh fuck oh shit. Keep it calm, Kev, be chill. HE SMILED AT ME. AAAAAAAAAAAAA. Look down look down. I hope he can’t see me blushing. I can’t help but start drawing him again. He’s just so, nice to draw. Ooohh he singin again. Who knew a person could melt a million times a year just because of someone’s voice. Wait a second. Someone else is here? They’re talking? They must be friends. Am I jealous? Of course not, I don’t even know his name. Wait. The friend called him Jacob, is his name Jacob? Jacob is such a pretty name. Oh no he saw me staring.

“Can I help you?” His friend has a harsh, yet joking tone and I’m a little scared.

“S-sorry.” Maybe Jacob giggled at me blushing. GIGGLED. I am DYING. I’m trying to hide my face in my sketchbook, until it’s ripped out from under me. 

“Whatcha drawin? Wait is this Jacob?” Pretty sure he’s Jacob stands and looks at my sketchbook. Out of pure fear, I stand too. Well, barely standing, my legs are ready to give out.

“This is really good.” Jacob smiles at me and I am once again melting. 

“Are you an art major?” I can’t seem to say any words so I just nod. Friend starts to turn pages and I start to panic. 

“N-no don’t I-” He pulls it out of my reach and flips through the other Jacob drawings.

“How many times have you drawn him?” I hide my face in my hands, I have definitely lost any chance that I could of had with the love of my life. Or so I think until I feel a tap on my shoulder. I look up and Jacob is standing there smiling at me! And he’s trying to give me my sketch book back!

“Sorry about that, Chanhee can be mean sometimes. I’m Jacob, I really like your drawings.” I take back the sketch book and my hand touches his and I feel like I’m going to faint.

“I-I’m Kevin.” He smiles at me again.

“Well, Kevin, I give you my permission to draw me all you want.” I hug my sketch book as he smiles at me and starts to walk away. Jacob picks up his things from under the tree and waves goodbye as he walks away with Chanhee. My legs finally give out and I just sit under the tree, staring at where he was just standing.

 


	2. Football Is Super Gay If You Really Think About It, Like Why Do They Touch Each Other's Buts So Much?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friday nights in September are sometimes really chilly, especially at college football games.

So, I’ve noticed that when Jacob focuses really hard on something, like writing lyrics or doing homework, his eyebrows kinds furrow and he squints at it. He’s so cute, I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY. Like, every little thing he does is so adorable. For example, the way he chews on his pencil eraser when composing, or when he smiles when he likes a melody he made, or when he curses under his breath when his guitar is out of tune. Since the day Chanhee forcibly introduced us we’ve talked in little spurts here and there. Mostly it’s him looking at me and smiling then me looking away to hide my red face. It’s our little cycle. Once he said hi to me and I choked on coffee and he giggled and asked if I was okay. Ugh he’s so SWEET. I can't really tell if my crush is a crush or more of an infatuation. I barely even know him personally, I just know he's pretty. I haven’t been able to go to our spot because I’ve been swamped with projects and essays. I miss him and I barely know him. Maybe if I like, googled his name I could find his dorm. Is that creepy? Oh well. Apparently there are a lot of Jacobs in the world. UGH LIFE IS HARD. If I wasn’t such a disaster bi I would just ask him for his number, but NO. I’m destined to be single and lonely the rest of my life. Maybe he’ll go to the homecoming football game tonight. My friends Sangyeon and Eric are on the team. Maybe he knows someone on the team. Oh no what if he has a boyfriend on the team I can’t compete with a football player oh fuck-

“Kevin?” Yeoboseyo? Oh it’s my roommate, Jisung. I turn to him and just blink.

“You’ve been staring at your blank computer screen for 20 minutes, are you okay?” Jisung is also an art student, he draws more realism when I do cartoons. He’s fun to be around. Plus he always warns me before his boyfriend comes over so I don’t have to third wheel. They’re cute but they remind me how sad and lonely I am. Their friend once tried to hit on me once when he was drunk, Hyunjin I think his name was. He's nice and pretty but I'm not interested.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just tired.” He gives me a comforting smile.

“Well you’re going to the game tonight, right? You also have friends on the team. Felix’s boyfriend and,” he pauses and squints, trying to remember the name I told him, “S, it starts with an s, Sangyeon! Your friend Sangyeon!” I nod and he starts jumping up and down in excitement.

“I remembered!” What’s he so cute for, huh?

“Yeah, I’m going. And your friend on the team is Chris, right?” He jumps even more at me remembering his friend.

“Yeah!! I hope we win, they’ve been practicing really hard.” Jisung sits on the floor next to his bed and opens his sketchbook, turning a page to me.

“You’re better at profiles than me, how does this look?” He turns the book over and hands it to me. It’s a pencil sketch of Minho, his boyfriend. The jawline is rough but it’s still really good.

“The jaw is a little messed up. What is this for, anyways?” I hand it back and he blushes softly before taking it from me.

“Well, our three months is next week so I wanted to draw him as a present.” FUCK THEY’RE SO SOFT. Your favs could never.

“That’s so nice! He’ll love it.” He immediately starts to fix the mistake I pointed out. When Jisung draws his face scrunches up because he’s focusing. Sometimes his tongue sticks out in kind of a little blep. His squirrel cheeks make it extra cute. I want to pinch them. I guess I should work more on my paper. I hate college. This is biphobic. I’m calling Obama. Or Beyonce. Whomever answers my calls first.

* * *

 

It’s so cold out today. Since it’s the homecoming game there’s like, a million people here. Once we got to the stadium, Jisung ditched me to find his friends. So right now, I’m sitting in a sort of empty area of the bleachers. It’s kind of hard to see the game from here so I think that’s why it’s not crowded. I’m not sure where Jaehyun is, he said he was coming. Hyunjoon said he wouldn’t come until halfway through the game because he had work. Haknyeon is with his boyfriend. Juyeon is, wherever he is. I saw Chanhee when I was getting water from concessions. He winked at me and laughed when I just blushed and blinked. The game starts in, 10 minutes now? Yeah, 10 minutes. It’s chill if my friends don’t sit by me. I’m here to support my school and my friends on the team! Yeah, it’s a little boring sitting by myself on this cold ass bench but it’s fine. I’ll just look at twitter. Twice just had a comeback that’s lit. Oh shit Day6 new album hell yeah. I want Jae to marry me.

“Kevin? Is that you?” I jerk my head up to see Jacob looking at me. He looked cold. All he had on was a beanie and a school crewneck. No jacket or anything.

“Oh hey, Jacob. Didn’t think of you as a football fan.” He laughs softly and looks around.

“I’m not really, I have a friend on the team. Is this seat taken?” I shake my head, he sits next to me. He is  _very_ cold. I scooch closer to him slightly, in an effort to share my warmth.

“Are you cold? Don’t you have a jacket.” He crosses his arms and shakes his head.

“I can’t afford a jacket. My one from last year is basically in pieces. So this is all I got.” He sniffles out a laugh and smiles at me. I’m going to fight the entire season of Autumn for making Jacob cold. My jacket is pretty warm… Plus I have a beanie and gloves… I can survive without my scarf. I take it off and wrap it around his neck. He blushes before tugging on it.

“Are you sure? You really don’t have to.” I dig into my pockets and smile at him. I do still have my extra gloves! I hand them to him as well, showing him I have another pair so he doesn’t feel bad.

“You’re cold, I’m not. You need them more than me.” That was a lie. I’m freezing, but now he’s less cold and isn’t shaking. We’re still sitting close, he doesn’t try to move away. The game is starting. The band plays the national anthem, we stand. When I go to sit down I end up almost sitting down on Jacob’s lap on accident.

“Oh shit- I’m so sorry I didn’t realize how close we were I’m so sorry.” I am so STUPID. I try to back away but he just laughs and pulls me back to sit down next to him.

“It’s okay. I sat down where you were, it’s my bad. Just sit.” Now we’re even closer than we were before. Our legs are touching. We barely pay attention to the game as I crack jokes about how gay football really is and he laughs at them. Jacob’s laugh is just like his singing. It sounds like honey. I could listen to it for hours. Only Jisung ever really found my jokes funny. Jacob tells me he’s a music theory major, and that Chanhee is too. He says he’s not too confident in his singing. I tell him I think it’s beautiful. A decision I regret immediately.

“Really? No one’s ever told me that before.” Jacob plays with my gloves that he has on his hands.

“Yeah. You’re super talented. Like, you can sing and play guitar like no one’s business.” He slightly burrows his face into my scarf. He’s so cute I’m gonna bust an uwu.

“Th-thank you. It means a lot. You’re really good at drawing.” I give him a big smile.

“Why thank you. I sing sometimes too, and play the piano. I’m much more passionate about art, though.” He raises his eyebrows.

“You sing? Sing for me.” He turns on the bench so that he’s facing me, our legs no longer touching.

“R-right now? I-I don’t know-”

“Oh come on, please? No one but me will really hear it’s super loud.” I rub my neck and look at his eyes. They’re big and hopeful. They have a sparkle in them that I only wish is because of me, and not because we’re talking about his passion.

“Okay fine, fine. But I’m not gonna sing a lot, okay. Like I said, I’m not confident in it.” I clear my throat and he moves closer to me. Here goes nothing. I close my eyes and I start to quietly sing No Tears Left to Cry by Ariana Grande. I sing a few lines of the chorus and when I finish I open my eyes to Jacob smiling widely and filming me with his phone.

“Hey! I didn’t agree to this!” He pulls his phone away as I go to grab it. I try to wrestle it out of his hands but he shoves it in his pocket. Somehow, I once again find myself sitting in his lap. We stare at each other for a few seconds, faces inches apart. I panic and push myself off of him.

“I think your singing is wonderful, Kevin.” He gives me the biggest, brightest smile I’ve ever seen. I slouch and pretend to pout.

“I can’t believe you filmed me, I trusted you!”

“That was your first mistake.” I put my hand to my heart and pretended to be shot, he laughs again.

“I didn’t know you listened to western music.” I smile at the ground.

“Yeah, I’m from Canada so I speak fluent English.” His face lights up at the mention of Canada.

“Really? I’m from Toronto?” He suddenly switches to English, shocking the both of us.

“I’m from Vancouver!” We go back and forth switching from Korean to English, talking about Canada and how we’re adjusting to university in Korea.

We sit and talk the rest of the game. Our team won, I think. I wasn’t really paying attention. The best part of tonight was that I now have Jacob’s number, and he has mine. After the game Chanhee came to drag him away so we said goodbye. Jacob tried to give my scarf and gloves back but I wouldn’t let him. Eventually in the big crowd of people I find Hyunjoon, staring into the distance at a person I can't see.

“Earth to Heo Hyunjoon.” Hyunjoon snaps out of daze and turns dark red, hiding his face in his hands. I was going to say something else but Sangyeon walks up to us and puts an arm around Hyunjoon, making him turn a darker shade from embarrassment. 

“Aren’t you cold?”

“Me? Not at all. I need to cool off anyways.” I think Hyunjoon is dying.

“You guys up for pizza? Winners treat.” Juyeon and Jaehyun come walking up as he mentions free food.

“If you put on a shirt first. You’re killing poor Joonie.” Hyunjoon removes his hands from his face just to punch Jaehyun. Sangyeon nods and puts on the hoodie that Juyeon hands him. His arm resumes its position around Hyunjoon’s shoulders.

“Let’s get this garlic bread!” Juyeon cringes at my joke and everyone else begins walking away.

“Hey, it was funny! Guys wait up!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk what uni is like in korea so its basically american uni but its set in korea. this is fiction no one cares abt the fax anyways  
> twitter: adorenyu


	3. Ji Changmin is my Son Now Sorry I Don't Make the Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pizza pizza

Eric and Felix catch up with us eventually and join us for pizza. They said their friends were going to join us too, but it’s been 10 minutes and I’m beginning to doubt it. The parlour is small. It’s a one restaurant, family owned joint that stays open late for college kids. There was a room in the back that’s used for business and catering events, but tonight they’re letting us use it. We decided to break into smaller tables instead of one big one, which would create mass chaos. Jisung offered to sit with me once he got there but I told him to be with his friends instead.

Right now, I’m sitting at a table in a corner with one other person, Changmin I think, Eric’s friend. He said his boyfriend is running late. So right now it’s just a little awkward. Changmin majors in dance so I don’t really know much about him. I’ve talked to him a few times, I’ve seen his performances too. I used his dancing as inspiration for an anatomy peace before. His body just moves like he has no bones. I’m like an old man, by breathing I break my hip. I feel kind of weird from how much I take inspiration from others. Seeing others being passionate about what that love sparks creativity in me.

Changmin keeps anxiously looking at his phone. I want to say something to help him calm down, but I’m not sure what. He keeps mumbling things about “traffic” and “not really being a good driver.” Every time a server enters he looks up, just to slouch down again. The door swings open a little more aggressively this time, a frazzled Chanhee behind it, rushing to get it before the door smacks into the wall. Changmin regains color in his face and smiles before standing up to hug him. Chanhee tries to mumble an apology but Changmin cuts him off with a kiss. Well, I guess I don’t need to ask who his boyfriend is. I look over at the door again and notice an awkward Jacob standing there. Hello?? He’s still wearing my scarf. His cheeks and nose are a light red from the cold, he rubs his face into my scarf a little, making me melt. Changmin points over to our table and Chanhee raises an eyebrow at me. He smirks and motions Jacob to come over to our table too. Of course. This boy is a bastard. He also has pink hair now? How did I not notice this earlier. It’s nice. I kind of want to draw it. It would look really nice in water color… I should write that down. Mom gave me these really nice oil pastels for my birthday too. Maybe I could do something where he’s like in the clouds and the clouds are also pink like his hair-

“Watcha writin’, stalker?” Chanhee says, sitting in the chair across from me, Changmin next to him.

“It’s nothing. I just had an idea for a piece so I wrote it down.” Jacob sits on the chair next to me. He takes his beanie off, but leaves the scarf on. His hair was smooshed adown, the rogue curls bouncing up after gaining freedom. Chanhee leans over the table and ruffles Jacob’s hair, gaining a smack on the hand from Jacob.

“Sorry we were really late. I uh-” Jacob’s words start to trail off as he looks down.

“I got lost. I know we’ve been here before but I couldn’t find my car in the crowd, then we couldn’t get out. I meant to call but I was driving and Jacob was helping me, I’m sorry.” Jacob eases at Chanhee saving him. I sense something more to this but decide not to pry.

“I figured you got lost, you suck at driving. But it’s unlike you to not call.” Chanhee sticks his tongue out at Changmin at the driving comment, but retracts it at the next statement.

“I know… I’m sorry Kyu, I didn’t mean to make you worry.” Changmin blushes slightly at the nickname, and even more when Chanhee kisses his cheek in apology. I look over at Jacob and he’s playing with the sleeves of his sweater, burying his face in my scarf again. He seemed to remain calm when he was hiding in it. Maybe that’s just me being hopeful again. The waitress came over with water and asks for our drink orders. Jacob and I looked at a menu together. He likes hawaiian pizza too. We truly are soulmates.

 

**_[After The Football Game] Jacob’s POV_ **

 

Kevin is nice. His voice is soft even as he sings. I want to be friends with him. I hope he thinks the same. I feel like I can trust him, I don’t really trust people. Chanhee is one of the only people I trust. He deserves my trust, he earned it. Kevin has done nothing to earn it, and yet I want to pour my heart out to him. I like listening to him talk about art. His eyes light up and he gets closer to you so you can hear when he starts to whisper. When he draws he just stares at the paper for a while before starting slow then drawing really fast. It always comes out gorgeous. A few times in the park he’s shown me his drawings. They’re usually random cartoons or drawings of people. Some of me, some of people I don’t recognize, one looks oddly like Changmin, two he said were of Chanhee. Kevin says if he sees someone talk about or do their passion it gives him inspiration, which is why he draws me so much. It’s sweet, really. Chanhee says it’s creepy but I find it endearing.

Speaking of Chanhee, I wonder what’s taking him so long. He went to go find his car about five minutes ago, he said he’d go around to the side of the stadium and pick me up, but I’ve just been standing here. I’m so happy Kevin gave me his scarf. It lightly smells of coffee and and chocolate, like Kevin does. I reach for my phone to call Chanhee when someone bumps into me. I lose my balance and fall on the ground.

“Watch where you’re walking!”

“I was just standing there you bumped into m-” I look up and lock eyes with the person who pushed me. I hope I’m just seeing things. Please don’t be him. It’s been two years I don’t want to see him again, please.

“Jacob?” No, no. I didn’t want to have to see him again. Kim fucking Mingyu. He must’ve been on the opposing team because his hair is wet and slicked back. I know for a fucking fact he doesn’t go here. I so hope that Sangyeon tackled him or some shit. I’m slowly beginning to panic but I don’t want him to see that.

“Mingyu.” My tone is harsher than I mean it to be, his face drops when he hears me speak. He extends his arm, offering to help me up. I ignore it and get up myself; ignoring his gaze and brushing myself off.

“So you really didn’t quit singing, huh?” I wish I could tone his stupid voice out, but I can’t fucking deny that I missed it so much. We knew each other in high school. He thought a career in singing wouldn’t get me anywhere. He’s probably majoring in business like his dad wanted him to. He loved music for a while, until he changed. Fuck, did he fucking change.

“No, I didn’t. Why would I quit? I told you so many times that would never happen.” He shrugs. He just fucking shrugs. I feel a mix of anger, anxiety, and sadness start to bubble up. I hope he doesn’t notice how badly I’m shaking right now.

“I’ve been meaning to call… I’ve missed you a lot.” Mingyu’s voice is soft and calming. He reaches to touch me but another hand comes from behind me and grabs it.

“You don’t deserve to miss him.” Chanhee. I didn’t notice his car pulled up, or that he had texted me. Chanhee steps in front of me and drops Mingyu’s arm.

“Hello to you too, Choi. How’ve you been?” I can’t see it but I know Chanhee’s face is expressionless. Chanhee crosses his arms.

“What made you think you could talk to Jacob, hm? Remember you were the one who broke HIS heart? YOU were the one that CHEATED.” Mingyu takes a step back once he begins yelling. Mingyu is tall but Chanhee is intimidating. I can feel myself beginning to shake harder once Chanhee starts yelling. I know he’s always been more angry at Mingyu than I have.

“Fine, I’ll go. Later, Jake.” I feel my heart stop at the nickname. Mingyu walks past us and down the street. The panic starts to slowly set in. Chanhee helps me into the passenger seat of his car. He gets into the driver’s side and turns to me. I start to sob. The memories of Mingyu and senior year come flooding back in the form of tears and a panic attack. For a few minutes Chanhee does nothing and let’s me cry, but once I start hyperventilating he puts a hand on my cheek.

“One, two, three, four, five, six. Six, five, four, three, two, one.” He counts up and down from six a few times until my breathing follows his counting. He wipes my tears away with his thumb.

“Are you okay? Do you still want to go out? If you don’t we can just go back to our dorm and watch a movie.” Chanhee always knows what to do. He’s been my best friend since we were freshman in highschool.

“N-no, it’s okay. You haven’t been able to see Changmin in a long time. I’ve already made us late let’s just get going.” He boops my nose and nods, looking proud when that earns a small smile from me.

 

**_[Present] Kevin’s POV_ **

 

Jacob and I decide to share a pizza, since we’re the only intellectuals that like pineapple on pizza. WHERE IT BELONGS! Jacob seems to calm as the night goes on. I start a conversation about memes and it ends up being Changmin and I fight about if Vines or Twitter memes were funnier. I am team Vines, of course. Jacob refused to pick a side. Chanhee just kept reciting TikTok memes, so we ignored him. I started screaming vines which lead to the whole room reciting vines together, led by me and Felix. Once the pizza arrived we all shut up and ate, going back to previous conversations.

Jacob still looks out of it. He just kind of nods as we talk. Just smiling at me when I look at him or ask if he’s okay. Wait. I have an idea. I take out my phone and text Jacob.

 **Beyonce Junior:** _Follow me._

I watch Jacob look at me and raise an eyebrow. Chanhee and Changmin are too caught up in their own conversation to notice us get up. Once we’re out of the room I take Jacob’s hand and lead him outside.

“Kevin where are we going?” When we get outside I don’t let go of his hand. He doesn’t let go of mine either.

“You obviously were way too overwhelmed in there. I thought we could take a walk.” Jacob smiles softly at me, our hands still together. I don’t really know the area but he looks so much calmer already. Except he’s still cold.

“Oh, wait. Here.” He pouts a little when I let go of his hand, but blushes when I put my jacket on his shoulder. I have a sweater and a zip-up hoodie underneath. I’m good.

“Kevin, I-”

“It’s fine! I have two more layers. You’re gonna get sick.” He puts his arms in the sleeves and grabs my hand again. I pray he doesn’t see me blush. We walk in comfortable silence for a block or two. Jacob only stops when his phone buzzes.

“Oh no, Chanhee must think I’m dead.” Jacob answers the call and I can hear the panicked Chanhee on the other side.

“WHERE DID YOU GO? ARE YOU OKAY?” I squeeze Jacob’s hand when I see him tense up at Chanhee’s voice.

“I’m fine! I’m with Kevin. He noticed I didn’t look so good so we went on a walk. Are you ready to go back to the dorm?”

“Yeah. Thank Jesus you’re okay. I’ll come get you.” I’m starting to kind of tune out their conversation because as Jacob talks he’s just looking at me and smiling. My heart is a puddle and it’s all because of him. I’m too busy studying his eyes to notice he hung up the phone and was trying to tell me something.

“Huh? Sorry I didn’t hear that.” He rolls his eyes.

“I said I have to go. Thank you for this.” Jacob smiles at me again and I forget how to speak. A car pulls up next to up to us and he lets go of my hand. He gets in and waves goodbye. I don’t even care that he still has my jacket. It looks better on him anyways.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're a carat reading this I'm so sorry. It was just the first name that popped into my head so I'm using him as a side character hhh. I love gyu with my whole heart but you're gonna hate him in this.  
> twitter: adorenyu  
> STREAM NO AIR.


	4. Jacob's Diary Entry #1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: cheating, relationships

Yeah, I’ve decided I’m going to do this again. I haven’t kept a diary since high school. Maybe the reason I’m doing this again is because of Mingyu. I read over my journal from high school, senior year specifically. I wonder if Kevin ever kept a journal or diary. Maybe that’s too personal of a question to ask. I’ve been trying to talk to him more, he’s really nice. But Kevin isn’t the reason I’m starting to write this again. I just need a place to collect my thoughts. There’s something I might do. Chris and Chanhee would be pissed if they knew what I’ve been thinking about doing. That’s why they won’t know until they can’t stop me.

_ Jake’s diary, entry #236, senior year _

I thought Gyu was going to ask me to prom today, he didn’t. It’s still two months away, maybe he’s just planning something. Maybe that’s why he’s been ignoring me. He’s been hanging out with Minghao a lot recently, which is fine, they’re friends and all. He’s allowed to have friends, I’m allowed to have friends. I just don’t get why he’s been avoiding me to hang out with Minghao. He doesn’t want to hear my songs for him anymore. I’ve written so many, I guess it makes sense he’s tired of them. Chanhee listens to them. Chris too, but Chris is more busy. When he’s not he helps me compose the songs. Chanhee says he loves them. I just wish it was Gyu saying that, not him. I’m not saying it doesn’t mean as much, it does! It’s just not the same. Oh yeah! Last sunday, Chris and his friend Changbin and this other kid I didn’t catch the name of helped me record a song to submit to a college. It sounds so good! I wonder if Gyu would listen to it if I asked. Probably not… He said it’s pointless to pursue music. He didn’t used to think that way. Maybe he’s just stressed, yeah, stressed. Well, I have a project to work on so that’s it for tonight. At least you’ll always be there for me, diary.

_ Jake’s diary, entry #237, senior year _

Chanhee was right. I hate that I have to fucking write that. He was right. Mingyu is an asshole and I should have listened to my best friend this whole time but no, I didn’t. I went to Sangyeon’s party last night after telling Mingyu I wouldn’t because I wanted to work on my project. I didn’t stay home. I wish I did. I wish I fucking did and was oblivious to the truth. Chanhee drove us. He took me because he said the boy he liked might be there and he wanted to shoot his shot. I wanted to surprise Gyu, corner him and show him my song. I wish I didn’t. I wish I fucking didn’t. Chris saw me looking around confused and told me he was upstairs. Of course I went upstairs. I looked in every room until I got to the last one. I shouldn’t have opened the door. Behind the door was Mingyu and some girl I don’t think goes to our school. I felt like I was going to throw up, or faint. He saw me at the door and started to walk towards me so I started running. I heard Mingyu call my name, and Chanhee, and a voice that could’ve been Chris or could’ve been someone else. I just kept running. My legs eventually gave out at a park two blocks away. I had my first full blown panic attack right then and there. Chanhee found me eventually. I have no idea how I would fucking survive without him.  _ The rest of the page is illegible, the ink is smudged from what was once tears. _

_ Back to Jacob’s diary, entry #1, freshman year of college _

What have I been thinking of doing, you ask? Well, diary, I’m glad you asked. I’m going to ask Mingyu to get back together. I miss him. He misses me. It seems like he’s changed. I think it’ll work out better this time.


	5. My Best Friend Gives Me Free Food Then Gives Me Anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin chills out with Eric.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: implied abuse

I haven’t seen Jacob in a while. Sitting at our trees feels a little lonely without him. A couple times Chanhee came looking for him and was confused when he wasn’t there, which confuses me more. I try to text him but he always says he’s busy or just doesn’t reply. I’ve been talking to Chanhee a lot. He’s really sweet when you get to know him. Apparently he dorms with Jacob AND has all the same classes. But apparently he’s been coming home late and missing classes. We’re barely friends but I’m worried. Me being worried has caused me to draw him a l o t more. Like, obsessively. I mean I still draw other people but, I’m finding myself even just doodling him. Chanhee misses him too. He would never admit it but I can tell he does. If your best friend basically drops off the face of the world, you’d miss him too, right? Hopefully he turns up soon.

“Earth to moon, earth to moon. Come in, moon.” Eric is waving his hand in front of my face. I don’t remember when I started to zone out. Eric looks at me with concern.

“Moon to Earth, I am here.” He squints at me but backs away a bit.

“Anyways. This is what I need you to taste test.” He pushes a plate of what I think is some sort of lasagna towards me.

“Thanks for doing this, by the way. Lix usually does but he’s busy with choreographing something for his final.” I nod and take the plate. The noodles are tender and just cut with the side of the fork. It’s so, so good, but there is so much cheese.

“Jesus Christ, Eric, there is so much cheese.” He inspects the piece on the plate and sighs.

“Yeah I see that now.” He tries to take it away but I pull it back towards me and he laughs. He writes down on the recipe sheet “less cheese.”

“What’s on your mind, anyways. Rather who?” He sits down and gives me the therapist “talk to me” look.

“Jacob’s been weird recently. Like, not just to me, to everyone apparently.” Eric just nods.

“Chan mentioned that. Chris, I mean. They’ve known each other since high school and he’s really worried. Hopefully he comes to the game tomorrow.” I try to think of something to say but I’m interrupted by Eric’s apartment door opening. He lives a block away from campus in an apartment so he can have his own kitchen, makes things easier. The door opens and a very sleepy, exhausted looking Felix walks through it. Felix gives me a small wave before walking over to Eric and just drapes himself over him. Eric kisses his head and Felix just sleepily nuzzles into his neck. I can tell this has happened before, which makes it even cuter. They’re sickeningly sweet together.

“I hope he comes to the game tomorrow. It would take some stress off of Chris.”

“Who are we talking about?” Felix speaks softly into Eric’s shoulder. He spoke it in English and his accent made Eric blush a little.

“Jacob Bae. Chan’s friend. Kev has a crush on him.” Felix giggles but he doesn’t see the glare I give Eric.

“I would tell you to shut up but I don’t think you’re wrong.” His eyes go wide and Felix also sits up to look at me.

“Really? I was just joking, holy shit.” They both just stare at me with the same wide eye expression. I really hate how alike they are.

“We’ve been like, acquaintances, for months now. We only really became friends at the game last week and he’s even nicer than I thought.” They both give me the same look of softness.

“Oh stop it. It’s not like anything will happen, anyways.” Felix rolls his eyes and goes back into Eric’s shoulder.

“Nothing will happen if he keeps acting like this, or you keep being stubborn.” I glare at him again. He seems content with himself. He looks at Felix on his lap then back to me.

“Thanks for your help, Kevin. I’m going to make sure this one gets some sleep. Stay as long as you like.” Eric smiles at me and stands up holding, and startling, a half asleep Felix. He carries his sleepy boyfriend into their room and waves at me. I quietly exit their apartment and make my way back to my dorm.

* * *

Today isn’t as cold as last week. The wind is really bad, though. Every five seconds I look around in hopes Jacob shows up. I really want him too, I don’t really expect him to at this point, though. Holy shit there he is. I quickly text Chanhee saying he’s been spotted. I wave to him and he waves back, he looks exhausted. Jacob climbs up the bleachers and sits next to me, except he isn’t wearing my coat or scarf, like I secretly hoped.

“Hey, where have you been?” He flashes me a weak smile and nervously checks his phone.

“I’ve been caught up with something.” I try to see what he’s typing but he put his phone away before I could see.

“Everyone’s been worried about you. Chanhee especially. Are you sure something isn’t up?” He gives me another weak smile.

“I’m fine.” His voice is weak. His phone buzzes and he pulls it out and I grab it before he can.

“Kevin, please.” He goes for it but he really isn’t in any shape to fight back. I look at the notification and it’s a message from “Mingyu.” _Don’t go anywhere afterwords._ It’s kinda threatening. I scroll through the older messages and most of them are like that. Passive aggressive and manipulative.

“Jacob, who is this?” I hand his phone back and he tucks it away.

“My boyfriend, Kevin.”


	6. Jacob's Diary Entry #2,#3,#4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read the title.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: implied sexual content, abuse  
> NOTICE: I will never write sexual content or abuse in detail it will only be applied or in passing small sentences like "we fucked" or "he hit me." Even so i will always but a tw before hand.

I called Mingyu last night. We’re back together now. He happily agreed to it. He said sorry for what happened. I’m going to see him tomorrow after class. I don’t really have much more to say. I’m happy that he’s mine again.

_ Jacob’s Diary, entry #3, sophomore year of college _

Mingyu asked me to skip class, and I did! It was such a rush. Chanhee texted me all worried but Gyu wouldn’t let me answer. Kevin did too, I forgot we made plans to meet for lunch today. Mingyu asked me who he was and why I was going to have lunch with him. He didn’t listen when I tried to explain that he was just a friend. There’s a bruise on my wrist from where he grabbed me. It doesn’t hurt so it’s okay! It was just a misunderstanding. He said if we wanted to be together again I shouldn’t talk to Kevin. I don’t want to lose him again so I just agreed. Maybe I’ll skip class again tomorrow. Sex is better than class, anyways. Hopefully Chanhee doesn’t suspect something is up. Maybe he’ll think I finally loosened  up!

_ Jacob’s Diary, entry #4, sophomore year of college _

I haven’t written in a few days because I haven’t had time. I’ve missed most of my classes this week. I’ll be fine. I wish Kevin would stop texting me. It hurts when Mingyu grabs my arm every time I get a message from him. It’s fine though! He doesn’t mean to hurt me. He probably doesn’t, anyways. Bruises heal! I’ll just wear long sleeve shirts. It’s starting to get colder anyways so it won’t look weird. I wish Gyu let me talk to my friends, though. He says he just doesn’t want to lose me again and I get that but he won’t let me out of his sight. I haven’t been able to sleep recently, I don’t know why. When I slept over at Gyu’s I couldn’t sleep and he got mad and he yelled and hit me. He was just tired and grumpy he didn’t mean it. Maybe I’ll go to the game tomorrow. Chris has also been texting me a lot too. Hopefully he doesn’t suspect anything, either. Chanhee should be back soon, I’m going to try to sleep to avoid talking to him. Yeah. Good idea.


	7. I'm Ready To Drunk Fight Some Hets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Party time!  
> TRIGGER WARNING: alcohol, implied sexual content

I was NOT expecting that answer. This douchebag that’s texting him things saying that he can’t do anything without his permission? That’s not a fucking boyfriend. No one, especially Jacob, deserves to be treated like that. I feel like screaming. I’m so fucking angry. But looking at Jacob’s state of being right now I know the last thing he needs is to be yelled at.

“B-boyfriend?” My tone sounds more shocked then I mean it to. Jacob turns away from me.

“Yes. My boyfriend. I didn’t realize that was so shocking to you.” Fuck fuck fuck. I didn’t want it to sound like that fuck me. 

“N-no! I didn’t mean it like that I just meant the way he talks to you just doesn’t sound like a boyfriend.” 

“Well he is. He’s just protective, okay?” Sounds fake but okay. 

“That’s not being protective, Jacob, this is borderline abusive.” Apparently I went too far with that one. Jacob stands up and starts walking back down the stands.

“Jacob! Jacob, wait! I’m sorry!” I want to chase after him but my legs won’t move. I slowly pull my phone out and text Chanhee saying Jacob left. As I start putting my phone back, I look up and see Felix walking up the bleachers towards me. He looks slightly concerned, he probably saw Jacob leaving.

“Hey, Kev, was that Jacob?” All I can bring myself to do is nod, so that’s what I do. I sit back down and Felix sits next to me. 

“Something happen?” I just nod again. He nods back. 

“Well, I wanted to say that Chan’s having a party tonight and I wanted to let you know you’re invited.” A party? Does that mean alcohol? Alcohol means forgetting my depression. I so fucking need a party right now.

“Really? I’ll go.” Felix gives me a big smile. He’s so fuckin cute it’s disgusting.

“You look like you need it. I’ll take you there after the game but it’s at this guy on the team’s house like a block away. I don’t remember his name. His parents are apparently out of town so Chan took some liberties and invited everyone over.” When Felix talks to me he goes between Korean and English and it’s kinda confusing. It’s mostly English but if he forgets words it’s back to Korean. 

“By everyone I mean the team and his friends and people in his major- look! Jae has the ball.” His eyes light up and he stands and points towards the field at Eric. Eric scores a touchdown and Felix jumps up and down, and claps aggressively.

“That’s my boyfriend! Kevin did you see that?!” I can’t help but smile at his excitement. He sits down again and is basically vibrating with excitement. 

The rest of the game Felix just rambles to me about different things and I just let him. Randomly he’ll point out that Eric is doing something and cut himself off to scream excitedly. When the game ends he grabs my hand and rushes me down the stands. 

“Felix, please slow down, my arm FELIX!” When I ask him to slow down he goes faster. Fucker. He drags me to the edge of the parking lot and bounces on the balls of his feet. 

“We’re meeting here to walk there together. Most of the team is there already.” He scans over the remains of the crowd going to their crowds. When he finally spots Eric he goes running towards him. I don’t even see him until he gets knocked over with the force that is Lee Felix. Juyeon and Chris just slowly steps over them and continues walking over to me.

“Kevin Mooooonnnnn!” Chris walks over to me singing my name. His voice is the same as his face. Gorgeous. My bad, the gay jumped out again. He surprises me and pulls me into a hug, spinning me around. Help me. I’m in full bi panic mode now. Juyeon is just LAUGHING. This ASSHOLE. He puts me down and ruffles my hair. 

“Glad you could make it! I’ve been meaning to hang out with you, I’ve been so busy with everything.” Hooo boy. His smile is so pretty. Okay, Kevin, stay calm, say something cool.

“It’s okay! I get it, you have a life. Just rub it in deeper.” He laughs at that. What. The. FUCK. Hello? Heaven? I think you’ve lost an angel his name is Christopher Bang. I swear the only man I love is Jacob Bae but whew, Chris Bang. 

“Oi! Love birds! Let’s go!” Eric comes sprinting past us with Felix on his back. Hyunjoon comes up to us and jumps onto Juyeon.

“Ride!” Juyeon does as he’s told and runs after them. Chris looks at me and shrugs, pointing at his back. What do I do? I am not prepared for this situation. Before I can think of anything to say, something smacks into my back.

“We’re losing them! Go Kevin! Go!” Thank you, Chanhee. I grab onto his legs so he won’t fall and run in the direction the others went.

“Later, loser!” Chanhee yells back to Chris as I pick up our pace and pass Hyunjoon and Juyeon. I just realized I have no idea where we are going. 

“Turn right here!” Apparently Chanhee knows, that’s good. I see Felix and Eric laying on the grass in front of a house with a bunch of other people standing in the front so I assume that’s it. I run up to the lawn and collapse onto the grass, Chanhee getting off and laughing. I just roll onto my back and scream, making Chanhee laugh harder. Juyeon and Hyunjoon are soon to follow, Chris too. 

“You assholes left me behind! You dickheads!” Chris barely got out, he just played a whole football game then ran two blocks. 

“At least you didn’t have someone on your back! I’m so out of fucking shape I think I’m dying!” Chanhee laughs even harder at my pain. If I wasn’t dying I would smack him. I didn’t have asthma before but I think I do now. Oh Jesus Christ my LUNGS. It’s been like 10 minutes and Chanhee is still laughing someone help him. Okay I think he’s done. If I say literally anything it will set him off again. Chanhee stands up and takes off his jacket and walks off towards the house. I watch him as he shoves it in a bush on the side of the house. It’s the middle of September and he’s wearing a crop top. One of those that has sleeves but like holes on the shoulders. I don’t understand it but it’s a look. He offers me a hand up and I take it.

“Why’d you shove your jacket into a bush?” 

“I don’t want to carry it around and hiding it in a bush makes it less likely to be stolen or puked on.” That makes a lot of sense. 

“Here, gimme your jacket I’ll show you how to do it.” I give him my jacket and he folds it like at a store then rolls it up. He tucks it into the bush next to his and you can’t even see it at all.

“Let’s hope your drunk self remembers it!” He does slight jazz hands in front of the bush. I’m afraid to ask how many times he has done this.

“If not hungover me tomorrow will and come back for it.” He shrugs and nods in agreement.

“Wait, where’s Changmin?” Chanhee starts walking towards the house, I follow him because I don’t want to be left alone.

“He’s not really into parties. He doesn’t like to drink. I asked him to come but he said he’ll just come pick me up.” Mental note; see drunk Changmin one day. It might never happen but I really want it to now. I’d never force him to drink or anything but if there’s ever a chance he might, I want to be there to see it. Peer pressure is bad, kids. Don’t let people force you to do things. 

“I’m guessing you like parties?” Chanhee smirks at me.

“Only sometimes. I came today because I rock at beer pong and I want to show some hets how it’s done.” I love this dude.

He did not lie when he said he’s good at beer pong. I was somehow convinced to join his team and we are now undefeated. I can tell Chanhee has been to a lot more parties than I have because after having to chug five beers I’m really feeling it, but he looks fine. Everyone is afraid to challenge us now. We are Team Twink and we are unstoppable. We were about to sit down but new challengers approached. Chris and Sangyeon. 

“Look who it is, the twunks.” Eric spit out his drink from laughing at Chanhee’s comment. 

“Are you here to challenge us or are you gonna pussy out?” I just stand menacingly behind Chanhee and nod and say “yeah!” when needed. 

“We are. We’re confident we’re gonna win, too.” Chanhee scoffs.

“Sure. Ladies first.” He tosses them a ping pong ball and Sangyeon catches it. Chanhee just rolls his eyes. Sangyeon tosses it and it just bounces off the table and I catch it.

“Ohhhhh!” Eric obnoxiously cheers from the side of the table. I offer Chanhee the ball, but he motions for me to go first. Here goes nothing. I toss it a little too far and it just barely makes it into a cup. 

“Who’s gonna win now?” 

I’ve landed a ball in five cups, Chanhee got the other ten. We won with eight on the table. So long story short, we crushed them. I am very drunk at this point. Someone said something about shots and now I’m being dragged into the kitchen to do them. This will be a fun night. 

 

* * *

* * *

 

I try to open my eyes but the tiny bit of light in the room makes my head throb. Fuck. I drank, so much last night. Maybe it was a bad idea. I slowly open my eyes again and I realize I have no clue where the fuck I am. It is definitely not a dorm room, it is way too big and nice. Wait. I didn’t. Oh I sure did. I, have no clothes on whatsoever. Drunk me really got game, huh. I wish I could get dick as easily when I’m sober. There’s no one next to me. Should I go look for them? Vote on your phones now. Fuck it I’ll do it anyways. I have no idea where my clothes are. This looks like my underwear, yep it is. There is no other clothing in here I- oh shit there’s a hoodie in the corner yoink. It’s a hoodie for the school radio. My head hurts too bad to try and think who I know is on the school radio. The hoodie is gigantic on me. I am swimming in it. But it is very comfy. There’s a bathroom connected to the bedroom. Thank Jesus, there’s a bottle of aspirin on the counter.

After I pop a couple a snoop a little in the bathroom for clues. Like Scooby Doo up in this bitch. There’s those “Men’s” shampoos in the showers. Did I fuck a football player? Holy shit, drunk me really do got game. I exit the bathroom, then the bedroom, and slowly make my way into the living room. I’m discovering where my clothes have gone. The answer? Everywhere. The curtains on the windows are closed, thankfully. I smell food and hear noise towards the kitchen so I’m heading there. I turn a corner and there’s a small breakfast nook with barstools, looking into the kitchen from the dining area.

And in the kitchen you ask? Christopher fucking Bang. I feel like I’m going to pass out. How did I manage that. From where I’m standing I can see that he’s wearing sweatpants and no shirt. Hoooo boy. Okay, okay. What has Mother Beyonce taught me about this? Think, Kevin, think. 

“Oh! You’re up. Good morning.” Fuck fuck fuck. Morning voice mixed with accent I’m going to drop dead where I STAND. 

“Hi.” My voice is basically shot. I barely remember anything from last night but knowing me, I probably screamed a lot. I hear a coffee pot pour coffee and my legs move on their own. I sit on a bar stool and he pours coffee for me. Remember when I said he’s an angel? Yeah it’s confirmed now.

“You feeling okay? I left the aspirin in the bathroom for you.” Coffee is my boyfriend. 

“Yeah, I found it. Thanks.” Thank you coffee for my life.

“Your phone is charging right there,” he motions to the wall of the breakfast nook, sure enough my phone is there. “I hope you’re hungry. I’m not the best at cooking but I don’t think it matters if you’re hungover.” I just nod. This coffee is honestly all I care about right now. I check my phone and I have 30 unread texts from Jisung all along the lines of “holy shit are you dead?” I’ll answer that after food. Chris places a plate in front of me as he sits on a hidden stool on the other side. We eat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before a question pops into my head.

“Hey, Chris?” He looks up at me.

“You can call me Chan if you want, and what’s up?” Oh man I earned Korean name privileges. If we haven’t already got to third base I would’ve considered this second.

“Do you know someone named Mingyu?” His eyes go wide and his grip tightens on his spoon.

“I used to, why?” Chan’s teeth are gritted slightly. I can only assume their past isn’t great.

“No reason, really. I saw Jacob yesterday at the game and he mentioned that his boyfriend’s name is Mingyu. I thought maybe he’s why Jacob has been acting weird.” Chan freezes when the word “boyfriend” comes out of my mouth.

“Are you sure he didn’t say ex?” 

“No, I’m pretty sure he said current. Jacob seemed really exhausted yesterday too.” Chan looked as if it took all the energy he had not to punch the wall.

“I guess people really don’t change, huh.” I want to ask what he means by that but I’m too scared to. 

“Thank you for telling me, Kev.” He grabbed his phone and started to aggressively text someone. 

“I’m guessing you have some bad history with this Mingyu guy?” Chan tenses at me saying the name, then lets out a stressed laugh.

“You can say that.” He puts his phone down to run his hands through his hair. Most likely he’s debating on telling me his tragic backstory. Honestly I think I’ve unlocked it. 

“So, Mingyu isn’t the best guy. Back in highschool, him and Jacob dated for two and a half years. Mingyu was so damn abusive but Jacob didn’t notice and ignored it whenever someone pointed it out.” Chan gets progressively more angry as he talks about it.

“Our senior year the bastard cheats on Jacob and breaks his heart. I have no idea how he got Jacob’s information again, or how he convinced Jake to get back with him.” I just sit in shocked silence. I don’t know what to say to this. 

“So yeah, you can say we have some bad history.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna start putting the tw in the chap summary. I hope everyone is enjoying this so far! I know some people are. If you want to ask me questions leave them in the comments or in my curiouscat! curiouscat.me/choisschanhee you can also find that link on my twitter!


	8. Free Food Is The Only Food I Accept

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: implied/mentioned sexual content, bullying

So, it’s been another week. Jacob hasn’t come to class. At all. Chanhee says he hasn’t come home either. Jacob isn’t answering any texts or calls, his phone goes straight to voicemail. I don’t think Chanhee has been sleeping because of it. He wears makeup usually, but recently he’s just been wearing a face mask to class. I really just want to tuck him into bed and sing him to sleep, ya know? I just wanna make sure he gets rest. This whole thing with Jacob is causing a domino effect of worry. Chanhee is worried about Jacob, Chan is worried about Jacob and Chanhee, Changmin is worried about all three of them. Speaking of Changmin, I don’t think he’s getting much sleep either. The only thing getting Chanhee to do the bare minimum of self-care is Changmin. Neither of them ever skip class but they did on thursday just to get Chanhee to sleep. It was cute, honestly. I only know because Changmin texted me asking to something from his friend because he couldn’t leave his room.

You’re also probably wondering, “Kevin, what the fuck goes on with you and Chris?” Well, child, I will tell you. After the, incident, we exchanged numbers and talked for a bit. We mutually agreed to just be friends. Friends that have fucked. Twice. Okay okay don’t freak out but we may have hooked up again just maybe. He texted me in the middle of the week asking me to come over and things, escalated. And no Chanhee does NOT know. He would freak out and he doesn’t need that right now. Maybe in like. Thirty years if it gets brought up somehow. Like at mine and Jacob’s future wedding I’ll be like, “Oh yeah babe I didn’t tell you but I slept with your best friend a couple times.” Yeah, no. That’s a horrible way to start a marriage. Maybe drunk me will pull the trigger eventually and do it for me, so sober, anxiety ridden, normal me does not have to.

Yes I fantasize about marrying Jacob, who doesn’t? He deserves someone who will treat him right and steal all the stars out of the sky for him. I’m willing to do that. I joke about a lot of things, but not this. Jacob truly deserves the world. And I would do anything to give it to him.

* * *

Today is Saturday. I wanted to just focus on studying for my math test but instead I have newly found best friend duties. Changmin has some sort of dance thing today? He said it was really important. I feel bad for not remembering. Since he has his important dancy thing he asked me to make sure Chanhee acts like a human being and doesn’t just sleep all day. Basically I’m Chanhee sitting. I invited him to lunch on campus, I’m not made of money. The university’s dining hall is shared with the community college next door. Basically we let them use our dining hall and they let us use their football field and their players. It’s a win win situation. The food is actually good so I’m fine with eating here. I offered to pay for Chanhee so I know for a fact he’ll show, free food is his favorite thing. Free pizza specifically. That’s how I am luring him into my trap of friendship and support. He shows up a little after I get my food. I can tell he managed to get some motivation to shower and put makeup on. Just his casual makeup, pink eyeshadow, lip gloss with the lil star glitters in it. He tried to get me to wear the lip gloss once because “there’s little moons in it and you’re Kevin Moon!” I don’t like makeup, it’s fine if he wears it, but I hate it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Chanhee wear black in the, now two almost three months, I’ve known him.

 

Today he has on a black turtleneck tucked into high-waisted jeans. He sat down across from me at the table and just put his head down. 

“Good morning to you too.” Chanhee just grumbled and looked up at me. I picked up the tray sitting next to me and slid it to him. I got him pizza and a few pieces of fried chicken; food he could never refuse.

“Kevin, have I ever told you that I love you.” I hand him a water bottle and he already looks so much happier. I wait to say anything so he can finish praying.

“I think that was the first time, our relationship is moving a little fast.” He takes a bite of his pizza.

“Not as fast as you and Chan.” I choke on my pizza. 

“Excuse me?” He giggles at me.

“You think he wouldn’t tell me? I’m basically his therapist, or his private twitter, I know everything that goes on.” I am stressed now. How much does Chanhee know? There are things I don’t think I want him to know. 

“No he didn’t describe it in detail. But I think I’m right in calling you a twink.” This fucker. Is that towards Chan or Chanhee? Who knows ! I now know the true meaning of gay panic.

“He made you breakfast, right? He must like you. He doesn’t even make me breakfast when we have sleepovers and I’m his best friend.” Oh? I’m too nervous to ask if that’s true. What if he does like me? The fuck would I do? Say no? Is it physically possible to say no to Chris Bang?

“I don’t know how to respond to that.” Chanhee just giggles at me again.

“I’m just saying he’s fond of you. I don’t know how much more there is to it.” He shrugs. That is a Shrug of Knowing. He does know more but he won’t tell me anything. I am in a state of pure, genuine, Fear. 

“What do you mean by fond? Like-” I’m cut off by a wad of paper flying past my face, almost hitting Chanhee but he dodges; acting like nothing happened.

“Hey, pretty boy! This your new boyfriend? Ji get tired of you already?” A group of boys from the community college walk past snickering. Chanhee drops the food on the plate and leans back a little. He tries to look composed but his eyes have a glint that tell me otherwise. 

“My roommate’s gonna be out all day, want to go to my dorm.” He softly nods and stands up.

“What about-”

“I’m not hungry anymore.” Now I really know somethings wrong.

* * *

_ No POV. Highschool, senior year. _

Chanhee walked out of the choir room silently, hoping that football practice had ran late today. It didn’t. He cursed himself for not staying in the room longer. Chanhee tried to sneak past the locker room door the best he could, until he felt something grab onto his backpack.

“Where you think you’re going, pretty boy?” Chanhee cringed as the name. The person behind him pulled on his bag, pulling Chanhee towards him.

“Bang’s not here to save you today. Lucky for you, right?” He shoved Chanhee against the wall.

“Nothing to say this time, huh?” Chanhee tried to wriggle out of his grasp, only to make him drop his backpack and grab the his shirt. 

“Let go of me, asshole.” That comment made the assailant push Chanhee up the wall. 

“That’s the pretty boy I know.” His grip on Chanhee’s neck tightened, making him gasp for air.

“Wonho, please-” Wonho slammed Chanhee against the wall, his head slamming into the brick. Wonho dropped Chanhee and he breathed in a large breath before he lost again from a foot connecting to his stomach. And again. And again. Chanhee tried to stand and run but that only got him a fist to the face. 

“I have a special place for you today.” Wonho grabbed Chanhee by the collar again and dragged him towards the locker room. He opened an empty equipment locker and shoved Chanhee in it, closing it afterward.

“Have fun, pretty boy.” Chanhee banged on the door but it wouldn’t budge. He was stuck in the locker after school hours, no one else was in the locker room. He sat down and pulled his legs up to his bruised chest. The attack was enough to set his anxiety off but the small space made it worse. He felt his lungs tighten and his heart rate surge as he began to let out hitched sobs. His head was throbbing and the panic attack made it worse. Everything in that moment felt pointless. He felt worthless. Everything hurt and he wished he could just die then.

“Hello? Is someone in here?” Chanhee lifted his head up, banging his head on the locker making him cry harder. The door opened and he looked up, not expecting to see Ji Changmin looking at him with genuine concern. 

“Chanhee? Is that you?” Chanhee and Changmin weren’t really close, barely friends really. All Chanhee knew is that since he transferred to this school freshman year, he’s had a crush on him. 

“Why are you in here? Are you okay?” Chanhee didn’t know what to say and just sobbed harder. Changmin knelt on the floor by the locker door and softly rested his hand on Chanhee’s leg. Chanhee let go of his legs and threw his arms around Changmin, sobbing into his shirt. 

“Hey, hey. It’s okay, breathe. I’m here.” Changmin sat on the floor with Chanhee for probably way too long, but Changmin wouldn’t leave until the other boy had calmed down. 

“You okay?” Chanhee nodded softly. 

“My house is just like, a block away you can come over.” Changmin stood and extended his hand to Chanhee. Chanhee accepted it and stood. Neither of them letting go of the other’s hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wonho is a member of monsta x i think ? idk it was the first name I thought of so I said "hey ! let's use that !"   
> anyways I posted polls that will MAJORLY effect the story on twitter and i might again in the future so make sure to follow me there to get spoilers/hints/future update know-how: @cherrywoozi  
> and if u have any questions put them in the comments or send them to my cc ! curiouscat.me/choisschanhee


	9. You're My Whole World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Third person all chapter.

Changmin wasn’t wrong, his house was only a block away. His house was two floors, but relatively small. Changmin dropped his backpack on the floor next to the door and ran towards the kitchen. Chanhee stood at the door; nervously fidgeting with his backpack. From the kitchen, Changmin tilted his head in confusion.

“Oh! Come here! You can leave your backpack by the door.” He did just that, after he removed his shoes and slowly walked the direction Changmin went. Changmin had pulled out a first aid kit from somewhere and had it sat on the kitchen table. A chair was pulled up next to it. 

“Sit. I want to help.” Changmin gave a nervous smile that made Chanhee’s heart skip a beat.  _ Why does he want to help me?  _ Chanhee’s legs weren’t connected to his mind, for he walked over to the chair and sat down. 

“H-here.” Changmin handed him a piece of wet paper towel. A mix of makeup and blood came off his face. Another, dry, piece of paper towel was handed to him, then a bag of frozen corn. 

“For your eye.” The cold made Chanhee hiss with pain. He couldn’t see it, but Changmin’s look of worry worsened.

“Is it okay if I touch you? I want to see if your head is okay.” Chanhee just nodded. The bleeding had stopped a little bit ago, but the dry bits stuck to his hair. Changmin slowly cleaned it off, pausing to ask if Chanhee was okay. He tried to apply rubbing alcohol to clean it. Everytime he did, Chanhee winced from the stinging and he felt too bad to continue. Even though it wasn’t bleeding anymore, Changmin pressed gauze to the spot and wrapped a bandage around Chanhee’s head to keep it in place. Chanhee just looked down, keeping the frozen vegetables on his eye. 

“I should probably go…” Chanhee whispered. He put the bag down on the counter and tried to walk out of the kitchen until Changmin grabbed his arm.

“Wait. Stay. Please.” Slowly their eyes met and Changmin dropped Chanhee’s arm.

“My parents are out of town for work, and my sisters don’t live here anymore so if you want to I mean you can.” Chanhee couldn’t help but smile at his rambling.

“I guess I can. I’ll just tell my parents I’m at Jacob’s house.” A wide smile spread across Changmin’s face.

“Okay! Let’s go to my room you’re probably tired.” Changmin grabbed both of their backpacks and then Chanhee’s hand and dragged him up the stairs. 

Changmin’s room wasn’t small, per say, just crowded. He had bookshelves and and a desk, all covered with things. The floor had clothes scattered all over it. Changmin sat down their backpacks and nervously kicked his clothes under his bed.

“Sorry about the mess…” Changmin opened his closet and searched through it for a minute before pulling out a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie.

“These should probably fit you. You look smaller than me.” Chanhee shot him an angry look, causing Changmin to giggle.  _ Hoo boy he’s so cute.  _ Chanhee took the clothes and looked away so he wouldn’t see him blush. 

“I need to take a shower since I didn’t at the school. You can just stay in here.” Changmin walked out of his room and down the hall. Chanhee changed into the clothes he was given and put the others in his backpack. The hoodie completely engulfed him but it was comfy so he didn’t care. The front was faded but he could make out, “TEENTOP FIRST SOLO CONCERT IN SEOUL.” He sat down on Changmin’s bed and pulled his knees up to his chest. Changmin’s room was covered in posters. The bookshelves were filled with albums, various lightsticks and standees. It was mostly girl groups, with random boy groups hiding in there. The wall over his bed had various pictures of him and his friends hung up. He noticed many pictures of the dance team. One picture caught his eyes more than the others. It had him in it. It was a picture of him. Chanhee has no recollection of it whatsoever. His eyes were closed and one hand is doing peace signs, the other holding a red cup. Ah, it was at a party. Probably one of Jaehyun’s. Yeah, that sounds about right. He never remembered what happened at those the next day, except that he drank too much because his head hurt. Next to his picture was a Twice photocard, he felt honored to have THE Hirai Momo next to him. Chanhee made a mental note to bring up Twice to Changmin. 

Changmin walked back into his room with only sweatpants on, because his dumbass forgot to get a shirt while he was in his closet. He walked into his room to see Chanhee inside of his hoodie like a turtle. The door opening scared the older boy and his head snapped towards him. Chanhee’s heart stopped.  _ What the fuck what the FUCK??  _ He felt his face heat up, making his eye hurt a little bit. Changmin quickly put a shirt on, feeling embarrassed. He then grabbed an extra blanket and pillow from his closet, throwing it on the floor. 

“You can sleep on my bed, I’ll take the floor.”  _ Oh, fuck it.  _

“No, sleep on the bed with me.” Chanhee wanted to slap himself right after he said it. They both blushed profusely.

“A-are you sure?”

“Y-yeah.” Changmin put the extra bedding away, then sat on the bed next to Chanhee.  _ Welp, you’ve got this far, time to go all out confident gay.  _ Chanhee put his head on Changmin’s shoulder. Changmin let him.

“Hey, Chanhee?”

“Hm?”

“I think you look really pretty with or without makeup.”

 

Changmin’s alarm went off at the usual time of 6:00am. Except this time he felt arms around his waist and legs tangled into his own. He completely forgot Chanhee was over. Changmin slowly turned his alarm off, trying to not wake Chanhee.  _ How the fuck is this not waking him up? _ He reached for his phone and texted the groupchat.

**Kyuuu:**

Someone cover for me in class today

**Hyunjinnie:**

ooooo whats up u n younghoon back together ?

**Kyuuu:**

Lmao no thats long over. Something just came up is all.

**Juyeon on that beat:**

Yeah I’ll cover for you

**Kyuuu:**

Yaaaaaay thank uuuu

**Minhomo:**

Get back here changmin I want to know what the fuck goes on

**Kyuuu:**

I’ll tell you at practice tomorrow. Im going back to sleep.

 

Changmin clicked his phone off and put it back on his nightstand. Chanhee nuzzled his head into Changmin’s neck while he slept, making Changmin’s heart melt. It’s been eight months since Changmin and Younghoon broke up. He’s pretty much gotten over it, but he’s not sure if he’s ready to date again. He hadn’t really thought about it until he started to get to know Chanhee more. He knows that when Chanhee’s drunk he likes to dance and laughs a lot. Or he really, really, wants to cuddle. Maybe he’ll just try and get to know Chanhee for now. He’s cute, fun, talented, did he say cute already? Because Changmin thought he was realllyyy cute. Changmin tried to slowly roll over so he could look at Chanhee. Chanhee’s grip on him didn’t loosen. His head went from Changmin’s neck to his chest after he turned. He looked so peaceful as he slept. Maybe he does want to try dating again soon. Maybe. 

* * *

Kevin unlocks his dorm room and let’s Chanhee in. Chanhee sits on the floor next to the bed and hugs his knees to his chest. Kevin stands in the room, not knowing what to do. Chanhee takes long, deep breaths, in efforts to try and calm himself down. 

“I could ask Changmin if he could-”

“No. He’s missed so much practice because of me already. This is so important to him.” He’s hiding his face in his legs but Kevin can tell he’s crying. 

“What if I just call him? He needs to take breaks anyways, right?” Chanhee doesn’t say anything. So Kevin takes it as a yes. He pulls out his phone and dials Changmin’s number. He hands it to Chanhee while it’s still ringing. Kevin leaves the room.

“Hey, Kevin. What’s up?” Changmin’s voice made Chanhee feel better instantly.

“Hi, Minnie.”

“Chanhee? Why are you calling on Kevin’s phone? Did something happen?” 

“Kind of? When we were having lunch, these guys from the other school threw stuff at us and said, things… It kind of set me off and I’m having a small panic attack.” Chanhee’s voice got more and more panicked as he went on with the sentence.

“Hey, Prince, calm down, breathe. I thought that kind of stuff didn’t get to you anymore?” Chanhee starts to cry again.

“Well, the stuff about what I wear or about me being gay don’t get to me but…” 

“But what?” Chanhee tries to breathe, but his lungs feel tight.

“But when they saw me and Kevin together they said, ‘is that your new boyfriend? did Ji finally get tired of you?’ And that’s what got to me.” Chanhee’s voice quivers as he starts to sob.

“You know I would never. Hey, hey, it’s all okay. I’m not leaving.” Chanhee just cries more into his sleeve, trying his hardest to control his breathing. 

“Are you in Kevin’s dorm? Should I come? That’s close to the practice rooms I can be there in like five minutes.”

“No, no. You don’t have to. You’ve missed so much practice for me already and the showcase auditions are so soon.” Changmin laughs slightly on the other end.

“Chanhee, you are the most important thing to me in this entire world, even more so than dancing. If you need me I will come get you. I’ve been practicing for eight hours already, anyways.” Chanhee couldn’t help but smile.

“I love you, so much.”

“I love you more.”

“Yeah, I’m in Kevin’s room. Do you know where it is?” 

“Yeah, my roommate is his roommate’s boyfriend. Small world right?” Changmin’s laugh made Chanhee laugh a little.

“We can go to my room when you get here. There shouldn’t be anyone there.”

“Okay, I’m on my way. Get ready to get smothered in kisses.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woooooww this is super late im so sos sososo sorry. merry late christmas i guess?? well uh happy new year too lmao. here's nyukyu fluff to ease the pain.  
> send questions to: curiouscat.me/choisschanhee  
> twitter: @choisschanhee


	10. Jacob's Diary #5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: implied/mentioned abuse

I haven’t written in like, two weeks, right? Mingyu hasn’t really let me… I’m starting to think maybe Chanhee was right about him. Maybe he’s not good to me. He. He was like this back then too… Chanhee’s definitely going to say something along the lines of “I told you so.” Chan is going to be so mad at me. Chan… Being with Mingyu again really made me realize something.. 

Mingyu won’t let me even sleep in his bed anymore. He says it’s too clingy. My back hurts so bad from sleeping on the couch in his apartment. And sometimes the floor. It just makes my insomnia worse. Usually if I can’t sleep I go to Chan’s and he lets me sleep with him. I can’t do that. Mingyu would get really angry if he saw me leave without his permission. I just want to go back to class. I miss my friends. I miss Kevin. We didn’t have the chance to get close but I miss his dumb jokes and his smile. 

There’s a football party tonight. Mingyu is allowing me to go with him. A part of me hopes to see Chan or Eric but a part of me also hopes not to. I don’t know what Mingyu will do if they try and talk to me. I don’t want him to hit me anymore. I want to sleep. At this point, if it means sleeping forever I’ll take it. Let’s hope I can sneak a drink tonight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmm  
> send questions: curiouscat.me/choisschanhee  
> twitter: @choisschanhee


	11. It Hurts To Get In The Head With A Glass Vodka Bottle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: alcohol, violence, hospitals

Okay y’all listen up here. Mister Christopher Bang Chan asked ME to a party. Like, as a date??? I’m not even sure if I have feelings for him like?? What am I going to do, say no? It’s illegal to say no to him. Okay I’m not 100% sure if it’s illegal to say no to Chris Bang, in Korea at least. I know for a fact it is in Canada. I’m the prime minister I make the laws. Don’t allow me in any government position, please. ANYGAYS. I was just sitting in my room after Chanhee and Changmin left and he texts me all like, “hey theres a party tonight I already told Chanhee. Want to go with me.” And so my barely functional bi self goes, “like a date?” AND HE REPLIES, “If you want it to be. I’ll pick u up at 7.” WHAT THE FUCK? SO IS IT? IS IT NOT? DO I WANT IT TO BE? Like. What the fuck, dude. There’s so many people at this school that would probably actual kill me if they heard I had a date with him. Did I just call it a date? Fuck I guess it is a date. I mean it’s a party. He’ll probably ditch me for his friends, anyways, right? Maybe. Hopefully.

 

My dreams were too big. We just got to the party and refuses to let me go out of his sight. He’s holding my hand?? I’m going to explode. He’s dragging me across the house to where his friends are. I see Chanhee, and Changmin? I think that’s Eric and Felix. Chanhee sees us walking over and raises his eyebrows, taking a sip of his drink. 

“I thought you don’t do parties?” Changmin shrugs

“I didn’t want Chanhee doing anything stupid. Plus he really wanted me to.” I nod. Very understandable. I feel a tap on my shoulder as Eric tries to hand me a drink, but I refuse. 

“Can’t. I’m driving.” He nods and pours it into his own. 

“I’d hate to be in a car with you while you’re the one driving.” I can tell Chanhee has already had more than a few drinks. Changmin has his arm around the other’s waist so he doesn’t 1) wander off, 2) fall over. 

“You’re not the best driver, either.” 

“The only good driver is Woojin.” Felix butt in. I don’t know who Woojin is but I nod in agreement. 

“Speaking of the devil.” Chan points behind me and I turn to see another one of the football players walking towards us. 

“You were talking about me?” Woojin does the bro hug with Eric and Chan. Woojin awkwardly introduces himself to me. I wanna give him a hug. I’d trust him with my first born child. He’s having a nice conversation about them footballs with Chan and Eric. So I’m kinda just standing here awkwardly since this is about the extent of the people I know here since it’s another school’s party. I would talk to Felix but he’s talking to this guy I don’t know. That’s how it be sometimes. I start to think about just wandering around the house until Chan wraps his arms around my waist and won’t let go. He continues to talk to the other guys except know He Hold. 

Eventually drunk Chanhee convinces him to play beer bong with him. His aegyo is no joke. And of course Chan loses, now he’s also drunk. Chanhee’s beer pong skills just get better as he gets drunker. Like, what the fuck? We lose Chanhee somewhere because Chan spots an open couch and wants to sit. I want to just stand but he pulls me onto his lap. I can’t tell if my face is red but I bet it is. He pushes my hair out of my face slowly, studying my face. His eyes are really pretty. And he’s also really drunk. I try to say something but instead he pulls my face to his. Highschool me would never believe this shit. I’m at a party making out with a hot guy. I am so living for this. He tastes like watermelon four loko and strawberry chapstick. It’s not a pleasant taste, I’ll admit, but it’s not stopping me. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer to him. 

Suddenly, there’s a loud scream, and the music stops. It startles us both and I fall onto the floor. There’s more yelling followed by screaming then a loud crash.

“Chanhee.” Chan’s face is pale as he gets up and starts running towards where the noise came from. I don’t know what else to do, so I get off the floor and I follow him. There’s a bunch of people crowded in a circle around something I can’t see. Chan pushes through them and I stick to him. In the middle of the circle is Chanhee on the floor, glass spread around him. There’s a guy standing above him with a broken bottle in his hand, behind him is- Is. Is Jacob Bae. Crying. Jacob just looks in horror at what’s happening. Oh. This must be Mingyu. Changmin pushes through the people and falls to his knees next to Chanhee on the floor. I want to say something. Literally fucking anything. Before anyone else does anything, Chan steps forward and punches Mingyu square in the face. He stumbles backwards and Jacob moves out of the way. I grab Jacob’s arm and pull him out of their way. There’s no stopping Chan now. There’s a loud thud as Chan slams Mingyu in the floor. Mingyu tries to attack with the broken bottle piece but Chan grabs it and smashes on the side of Mingyu’s head. He let’s Mingyu get up and Mingyu runs towards the door. Chan follows him, despite my calls to stop him. 

I look over to where Chanhee is and Jacob kneels next to him, along with Changmin. Changmin is holding Chanhee’s head and crying.

“Please be okay. Please. Please. I can’t lose you, baby. Just hang in there. Someone called an ambulance. Please just hang in there.” I can see him shaking aggressively. Jacob is muttering a prayer in English under his breath. I want to help but I can’t. What can I possibly say to help this situation? 

“Chanhee, please. You’re my whole world you can’t leave like this. Just stay with me.” Changmin stays next to Chanhee until the ambulance comes. Most people at the party scatter. Felix and Eric take Jacob, I stay with Changmin. He doesn’t stop talking to Chanhee the entire time we wait. Except for when he softly sings to him, songs I assume that either Chanhee loves, or songs that remind Changmin of him. I have to pry him off of Chanhee so the paramedics could put him on a stretcher. They won’t allow us in the ambulance since we aren’t family. Changmin tries to persuad them, to no avail. He just falls back onto the floor and begins to sob again. 

“K-Kevin, pl-please. E-Eric has my car. Pl-please drive me to the h-hospital.” I can tell it pains him to say the word ‘hospital.’ 

“Of course, of course.” I text Chan quickly about what I’m doing and I lead Changmin to my car.

* * *

 

At the hospital, I force Changmin to eat something. 

“Chanhee would want you to take care of yourself, even though he’s the cause of your worry.” Changmin hates that I’m right. We have to sit in the waiting room until they finish running tests. So far we know he didn’t get hit, or fall, hard enough to crack his skull, but they have to do scans anyways. After the nurse tells us this, Changmin can no longer sit. He starts pacing, walking up and down the waiting room. Down the hall to the bathroom and back. To the closed cafe and back. To the gift shop and back. I keep asking him to just sit and wait but he just keeps refusing. 

Around 3am, a nurse comes to the waiting room and tells us we can go to his room, but that he’s still unconscious. Changmin sprints once he hears a room number. I apologize to and thank the nurse for helping us and follow him.

Changmin stands outside the door, shaking. I slide next to him and open the door a little bit more, motioning for him to enter. He anxiously nods and walks slowly into the room. Chanhee is asleep in the bed, hooked up to an IV and oxygen. Changmin noticabley de-tenses. He walks over to the bed and cups Chanhee’s face with his hands. I take a chair from across the room and push it next to the bed, motioning for Changmin to sit. He basically collapses into the chair and holds Chanhee’s hand. 

“You’re going to be okay, baby. You are okay. You’re alive and breathing.” At this point I think Changmin is talking half to himself, half to Chanhee. I leave them alone and talk to the nurse. He ingested waayy too much alcohol and had his stomach pumped. Nothing’s wrong with his head or anything, he just has a major concussion which is causing him not to breathe right. Which is why he has to be hooked up to oxygen. He’ll probably be asleep for at least 12 more hours, the nurse says, and that in a few hours he’ll be moved out of the ER and into a hospital room. Chanhee isn’t allowed to leave until he’s awake and his oxygen level is high enough without a machine. I relay all this information to Changmin and he sleepily nods.

“Kevin. You should go home. You stayed so long already.” He rubbed his eyes with one hand, the other still glued to Chanhee’s. 

“Are you sure? I’ll stay longer if you need it.” Changmin shakes his head.

“No. Go back to your dorm. Get some sleep. I’ll text you his room number tomorrow. Tell Chris he’s alright.” He pauses for a minute.

“Also text me if you find out if Chris is alright.” I nod and say my goodbyes, then exit the hospital. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry class. on my twitter I had polls that affected this chapter. i'll tweet what you chose about 10 minutes after it's posted, and I'll mention it in the notes in the next chapter  
> twitter: @choisschanhee  
> send questions to: curiouscat.me/choisschanhee


	12. Changbin's Log, Seo Date; The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changbin talks to himself for a bit.

My name is Seo Changbin. I’m a sophomore in college. I’ve gone to school with Chris Bang since the fourth grade. I’ve been in love with him since the seventh. I know I’m not the only one to think that. Ever since we first met the day he moved here, we’ve been close. His mom knows my favorite food and all my allergies. My mom knows his favorite brand of ice cream and follows him on instagram. I’ve been with him through every boyfriend and girlfriend he’s had. I’ve watched him drift in and out of love and heartbreak. Just for none of those people to be me.

Our first year of highschool I told him I was bi. Of course he was fine with it, because he is himself. I didn’t really, date, in highschool. I guess I dated a few girls but I guess I don’t count that. I tried to cling onto any sense of heterosexuality I had. That’s hard to do when Chris Bang is your best friend. 

There was Jisung. Jisung was good to me. I was good to him. We mutually broke it off. I set him up with Minho. They’re good together. Jisung is still my best friend, no hard feelings between us. If Minho breaks his heart, though, that’s another story. I won’t hesitate to commit second degree murder. 

I got off topic again. I wanted to talk about Chan. Fucking Chan. I don’t honestly know if he understands what he does to me or if he doesn’t. He’s a dense motherfucker but I love him so fucking much. I remember last year he called me at two am because he couldn’t sleep and he “missed me.” Like, what the fuck does that mean? Does he like me? Does he not? I mean I did go over to his apartment and we cuddled and he fell asleep spooning me and I felt like my heart was going to explode. It didn’t sadly. The next day I wrote my song for my final project. About him. I finished the whole ass song in a week because my gay ass was inspired by him. He loved it. It’s still his ringtone I think. 

Now, let me explain what happened yesterday. Yesterday was a mess. I’m sitting in my apartment, working on a song, as I do. And he calls me. His voice is broken and he sounds exhausted and asks to come over. I was already worried but I told him yeah, of course he could come over. He has a key to my apartment, I have one to his. Usually he just walks in, it worries me that he called first. Like, 20 minutes later he shows up. I almost had a panic attack just looking at him. Chan’s face was bloody, his clothes were ripped, a few things looked broken, and his phone screen was shattered. I pulled him into my kitchen and he just, started crying. I don’t even remember the last time I saw him cry. His nose was broken and his shoulder dislocated.

“You need to go to a hospital, Chan.” I said. 

“My parents cannot know about this.” He said. So, I didn’t take him to the emergency room. I popped his shoulder into place and set his nose. I gave him one of the extra pain meds from when I had my wisdom teeth removed. I’m not a doctor or a med student, but I did try my best. He cried more after I finished and gave him water and kimbap I had in the fridge. I wanted to ask who did this, who hurt him, if he’s okay. But I didn’t. I stayed quiet. I told him it was okay and I was there. He likes it when you stroke his hair. It calms him down. He fell asleep on me on my couch. I can’t carry him so I just positioned us so that we were lying down. 

This morning I woke up before him, so I just let him rest. I wrote more lyrics down on my phone. Chan always seems to inspire me. Which is one of the many things I adore about him. He’s also really cute when he sleeps. He woke up around noon, completely unphased about our sleeping situation. He just, sat up and hugged me. He said that he loved me. Not in the way he ever did before. No “bro” or “dude” before or after it. Just him telling me he loves me. Then he said that he didn’t know what he’d do without me. 

I honestly don’t know how I should take that. I don’t know if I should ever tell him how I actually feel. I just want to be able to hold him in my arms and keep him safe and make sure he sleeps. Why is that so fucking hard to do? Why can’t I just tell him I’ve been in love with him for years? That he’s the one that made me realize I could never love a girl the same way I do him. I don’t fucking understand why he does this to me. I’m the tough guy, right? Apparently not. I’m just a pile of mush underneath him. I should’ve phrased that better. I mean I would be okay being underneath him but that’s not my point. Look what I’ve done, I’ve made myself all fucking flustered. I need to finish this song but I’m sitting here pining. I should probably talk to someone about this. Maybe Chanhee. Chanhee is probably one of the only people other than me that knows Chan as well as I do. Hyunjin helps me with boy problems a lot, too. But the dancers are really busy right now. Like I should be. Fuuuuck. Love sucks. Don’t do it. You probably don’t care about any of this. I say that like I’d show anyone this recording. Psh. I’m just going to try and do my other homework. That most likely won’t get done either. All I can do is try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone before was a little confused abt this so I'll clarify: everyone calls chris chris unless he says they can call him Chan, which is only his close friends. so that's why it's different sometimes. sometimes his friends will call him chris if they're mad or talking to someone else about him  
> twitter: choisschanhee


	13. I Don't Think Anything Good Ever Happens In Hospitals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW///// implied alcoholism, hospitals, therapy mention

I’ve been thinking a lot recently. I don’t usually do that. It’s fucking tiring. It’s been about a week and a half since the party. Chanhee is still in the hospital. His parents threatening to pull him out of the school if the cops can’t track Mingyu down so he can pay for everything. Changmin hasn’t been in class at all. I don’t even know if he’s slept at his dorm at all. When I go to the hospital to bring homework and decent food he’s still there. I think he showers and changes clothes because Chanhee makes him. Chanhee hasn’t been able to eat solid foods since his stomach was pumped, I think tomorrow is the first day he’s allowed to. He requested me to bring him pizza. For some reason he thought I was gonna decline and started acting cute for me to say yes. I was gonna say yes either way but it made both Changmin and me happy to see him acting slightly normal. 

Some people I don’t know have come to see him too. I remember Sunwoo and Haknyeon. We got along well. Haknyeon does physical art too and we both have the same weird color theory teacher so we bonded over it. Yesterday when I was leaving this guy wearing like, all black, full MCR stan account gear ya know, walks into the room. I didn’t have time to catch his name but Chanhee looked excited to see him so I guess he’s not bad or anything. He had Sunwoo energy. If that makes sense. It does to me that’s what matters. 

Jacob has been back to class here and there, not fully just yet. I went with him to the campus counsellor and he’s doing some on campus therapy. I didn’t force him to do it or anything. He just didn’t want to go alone and all his friends are either in the hospital or not quite back in contact with him. It pulls him out of some of his classes but it also gives him tutoring if he needs it, which is good. Hopefully he focuses on getting better before school work. I noticed him out by our trees in the courtyard the other day. I went and sat by him. It felt right. A familiar comfortableness I haven’t felt in forever. It’s like coming home. Did I just call Jacob my home? You didn’t hear that. Bet that song is stuck in your head now. I can’t say what song because it doesn’t exist in this universe, but you know. 

“Hey, Kev.” The ground is really cold, but it’s quiet and peaceful out here.

“Hm?” Jacob is bundled up in a winter jacket Chanhee’s parents brought him, and my scarf from forever ago. 

“Are you studying right now?” There’s no one else out here, but his voice is just over a whisper. 

“No, just drawing random stuff, why?” Random stuff is just Sam Kim making multiple facial expressions. Or the Emoji Movie: Sam Kim edition. Heheheh. 

“How’s Chanhee doing?” Jacob stares blankly at the hot pack he’s  twirling around in his fingers.

“You… You haven’t visited him yet?” He pulls his legs up to chest, well the best he can in a puffy winter jacket. He looks ashamed of himself.

“No… It’s my fault he’s there in the first place. I can’t face him.” Jacob looks away from me. I close my sketchbook and shove it into my bag. I scoot closer to Jacob.

“Bro… It’s not your fault. You didn’t smash the bottle over his head, or make him drink so much.” 

“I brought Mingyu there, I drove Chanhee to drinking from stress, and I’m the reason he’s in the hospital.” Jacob is refusing to look at me as I scoot even closer.

“Mingyu would’ve been there anyways, Chanhee would’ve drank anyways, granted maybe not as much but he would’ve.” He turned to look at me, tears in his eyes. He shook his head. 

“No. No. Chanhee doesn’t drink anymore. Something happened in highschool and he swore off it.” What do I say? Do I tell him when he was gone I saw Chanhee drunk countless times? Once or twice I even saw him drinking before his class. Jacob is going through enough. How am I supposed to break this news to him? I can’t. I really can’t. I open my mouth and try to say something, anything really, and my phone starts ringing. It startles Jacob a little. It’s Changmin.

“Hewwo?” The first thing I hear is beeping, then a deep sigh. 

“I don’t know what else I expected. Are you busy right now?” I turn my phone around and show Jacob who it is, he just nods.

“I can talk, what’s up?” Changmin is silent for a moment, I assume he’s moving out of the hospital room.

“So, the nurse told me Chanhee can start eating today. I was wondering if you had the time to bring the pizza over today?” Oh hell yeah.

“Oh hell yeah. I’ll bring an extra surprise too.” I look at Jacob, he’s playing with the, probably now cold, hot pack.

“Thank you so much! He’s sleeping right now but he should be up soon. Thanks, Kevin.” I click the phone off and look at Jacob.

“Feel up to some pizza?”

 

* * *

Jacob shuffles his feet behind me. I feel a little bad forcing him to come here, but he also shouldn’t avoid it. Chanhee has been asking about him so much. I think they both need this. I slide the door open a little, Changmin is lying on the bed with Chanhee, both parties dozing off a little. As I slide the door open more the noise startles them awake.

“Kevie!!! And pizza!!!!!” Changmin gets off the bed and Chanhee does grabby hands towards the box in my hands. 

“Not just Kevin and pizza.” Jacob pokes his head through the door, Chanhee just stops. Like, he just glitches. Jacob closes the door behind him.

“Hi, Hee.” Chanhee’s grabby hands are now directed towards Jacob, instead of the pizza. He walked over to the bedside and Chanhee pulled him down on to the bed into a hug.

“I want to be so mad at you but I can’t because I know what you’ve been through and I’ve missed you more than anything.” I sit the pizza box on the nightstand and sit in a chair next to Changmin. They pull apart and Chanhee smacks Jacob’s arm.

“But I still am mad at you! After everything he did you still went back! I was so fucking scared that he was going to hurt you bad enough I’d never see you again.” Chanhee is already crying, I can tell Jacob is trying not to. Jacob sits on the side of the bed and they just hug and cry. The nurse tries to come in and decides that it’s not the time for vitals. 

After the crying slows, Jacob takes his jacket off and switches spots with Changmin. Chanhee snuggles into Changmin’s side, graciously taking a slice of pizza when I hand it to him. Jacob fills Chanhee in on his side of everything, but Chanhee hesitates with his. You know it’s serious because he puts down his pizza.

“Jake… Before I say anything, please don’t be mad.” Changmin holds his hand, avoiding Jacob’s gaze. Jacob sits up straighter. 

“The night of the party wasn’t the first time I’ve drank since high school. I didn’t drink all of freshman year, I swear. This year I can’t say the same.” Jacob immediately looks furious. 

“Really? You come at me for going back to the past when you’ve been drinking again?” He looks at Changmin, “And you haven’t stopped him? I thought you actually cared about him, Changmin.” Changmin keeps looking at the floor, but Chanhee starts to get mad at that comment.

“Jacob. Don’t blame this on Changmin, he has tried to stop me, this is my doing.”

“Tsk.” Jacob grabs his coat and storms out of the hospital room. I don’t hear from him for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry theres been like, nothing recently. i hurt my arm really bad and I've been resting. also after the last big arch I wanted to take a break from this story, i hope you understand!  
> twitter: adorenyu  
> send questions to my curious cat: sweetsana

**Author's Note:**

> So my friend sent me a picture of Kev and I said he looked like an art student and I created this so yeah.  
> Follow my twitter: @cherrywoozi


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